The Real Deal

After spending an afternoon with three good friends-- two bestfriends and a former one-- I got back to this kind of thinking which I hid somewhere in my brain. While we were catching up on one another, we had some pretty serious topics which made me remember that side of me. Oh, the talk was soooo good.. tv series, college degrees, future(no kidding), getting PTJs and other stuff. We had our laughtrips, which were as good as the serious conversations. But the heavy ones are the ones that hit me the most..

Here's the thing.. I have loads of super great ideas in my head. I get new ones everyday, and sometimes I improve the old ones which turn out to be way better. What kind of ideas? Ideas of all kinds; cool ideas for my life and usually, for the others' too. For example, my closest 'kada, JERK, and I made this list. The List. It's a list of all the things we want to get, achieve or do together. Some are simple but most of 'em are bigtime, like.. travel around the world or something. Haha, no joke! So there, we have The List right? But then, I get these really fun ideas everyday for The List.. like yesterday, I thought of adding "Watch Disney on Ice" and "Eat Shabu-Shabu". Dude, seriously, fun right? Wah, the thought fills me up with excitement, grabe! Anyway.. and then I suddenly thought of some bigger idea for the four of us.. why not have, a JERK day. Or at least a JERK time. Once a week we have that, and during those hours, we try to accomplish one of the things on The List. For every week, we get to do a different gimmick.. for the sake of The List. O, ha? But of course I knew that there were complications. It was possible yeah, but hard. There are the exams, events and whatever things that will occupy our time; with or without us knowing. Stuff that's out of our hands.. Hay. Edi yun diba..

So much for dreaming e noh?

I got frustrated. 'Cos a I ended up on the same place that I always end up on when I have these plans or ideas. I just realize last year that plans do me no good. I'm a good planner, yeah. But I end up usually not doing things according to the plan. In fact, I like planning as much as I like making ideas. But the thing is, I just can't seem to fulfill them or something. Sometimes I just get too lazy but most of the time.. it gets out of my hands. It doesn't feel goo when you watch your uber fantastic plan fall down in front of you. Seriously, it hurts me sometimes. Why does this happen to me?

There is something wrong. But I don't know or I'm not sure what it is. Lack of motivation? Determination? Inspiration? Support? Or is it the sad sad fact that my ideas or plans are too impossible to handle? Is it? 'Cos.. I don't think they are. Maybe some are out of the ordinary, but not impossible. So? What makes them fail? Or untouched?

I have successful plans and ideas naman but not as much as the Untouchables. Like my 18th in Baguio, that was a great idea ah and the plan, all in order.

I hate this. I hate this problem of mine. I like my ideas and I know I have really good skills on it. Pero why is it being wasted? Sayang talaga eh, when you think of it. Sobrang sayang talaga. PLus, it kills me especially when it comes to planning for my future, let's say college.. tsk. I HAVE GOOD PLANS AND I WANT THEM.. SO BADLY.

I'm not giving up on this.. I just need to clear things up, steam off so that I can see fully every little detail. By doing that I could find out what I lack. Imagine, I get ideas everyday.. grabe. I can't stop them; they just form without me wanting them. Onga noh.. maybe I need to want t hem, as in really really want them. Hmm.. could be.. Try ko nga. ;)

Looks like I need another good conversation plus good coffee. Ü

Will update. Ciao. Ü