Too much of too much is too much.

We see addiction everyday..

It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist..

It would be easy if it's drugs, booze, or cigarettes..



I think the hardest part of kicking a habit, is wanting to kick it.. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right?



Often, too often, things that start out as normal parts of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive compulsive out-of-control..




It's the high we're chasing; the high that makes everything else..
fade away..



The thing about addiction is that it never ends well..




Because eventually, whatever it is that's getting us high , stops feeling good and starts to hurt.




Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit the rock bottom.
But how do you know that you're there?



because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us..
letting it go hurts even more..

[Meredith on GA]

On the evening of the 11th day of the 11th month of the year 2007, I WILL HOLD MY BREATH..

I was supposed to post this 2 days ago.. But unfortunately, my wonderful internet access just got even more wonderful by getting disconnected after every 8 minutes. Yuh.

So anyway, here it goes..

I have this friend.. a really-great-times-a-million friend. Let's just call her, Chubby. Haha. Anyway, we've been schoolmates for a lifetime, teammates for many years, and good friends.. for.. a year or so? Yeah, we don't talk that much in school and even in our trainings before. We barely hung out. Well, back in my GS days though, she used to tease me alot. Uhuh. But I never despised her for that because I always thought she was cool. And she is actually. Still is.

It was not until I was in my last year in HS that we really became good friends. And it started out because of a really really really funny drama.. which I won't tell here. Haha. That's between me and her only.. and those people who knew din pala.

We have this really (why do I keep on saying 'really'?) really (haha) weird friendship. And we don't know why.. never did, still don't. The weirdness has its good stuff actually.. well that's what I think. Somehow, even though she's weird and I'm weirder, we keep on holding unto something, never giving up. We never get tired. Yeah, that's it. I mean, usually when two people try to develop this certain bond but realize along the way that it's complicated and they don't even know why they're there in the first place, they give up 'cos they realize that they still have a bunch of friends and they don't need another friend anymore, especially a complicated one. For some unknown reasons, Chubby and I are still friends, no matter how weird it is for us. We're pretty special y'know. :)

Okay na eh.. and theeeeeeen, AND THEN I remember that she's moving to America, after her graduation. Get this: PERMANENTLY. And that's like, in less than a year. See? Now this is what I call, WEIRDLY COMPLICATED.. if there's such a thing. Grabe.. talk about luck.

On the evening of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the year 2007, I held my breath. It was the day when she took the exams for the university in America that she's applying to. I never liked exams.. they were like a pile of papers with questions about the different stages of photosynthesis and the Revolution of the Native Americans and the sum of this&that is equals to what.. which all seem to show in the end what you can be in life and decides for you. Wtf?

And you know what's sad? This whole she's-leaving-the-country-for-good thing is really (yeah there i go again) affecting me. What's sadder is the fact that I don't know why and the saddest would be.. I can't do anything about it.

But then I think: What's the big deal? Nothing's going to change.. things will still be pretty much the same for us. I mean, we go to different schools, we have our own set of close/best friends, we don't see each other that much since I started my college year, and we barely hung out. The only time we have for each other is every midnight, and only using our mobile phones. Diba? We have already have distance now. The only difference (probably) when she leaves is her location. She could still email me or something.. and that's like texting narin.. right?

So, what's the big deal?

You know the feeling wherein you have this really big unanswered question and you feel like it's better if it's left that way? That getting the answer would probably just complicate things? That's how I felt when I was thinking about this. Unfortunately, I already had the answers. And man, it did got worse for me; I got scared in a way. Y'know, before when we were still in the same school, there was this One Year of Complete Silence between us. We see each other, play with each other, train with each other, and even study with each other.. but we never talked. We did pala, but only during those times that we REALLY need to talk (and when I say this I mean like totally academic slash basketball stuff and nothing else more). Yeah, it was effin bad and sooooooo hard. Swear. Todo iwasan talaga. But then, I felt sad and suddenly talked to her about it. That's where the drama began (which I still won't tell hehe). Anyway, my point is.. this could happen to us again, when she leaves for US. We could lose communication and worse, be in a fight. And unlike before, where I confronted her about the whole year of blah, I WONT ABLE TO MAKE A MOVE this time because she's seas away from me! Maybe I could, but this time, it'll be a lot harder than before. And, what if I want to see her or just simply hug her? Unless I could get free plane trips everytime I do, it's all good. But the problem is, I can't.

And now, I can't talk to her like before. Because I'm scared of what I know and what I still don't know. I've always felt safe and happy and really me when I talk to her.. I guess she has always inspired in ways I can't see. She's like my IDOL.. but I don't want to call her that because that term is almost like a cliche nowadays. If there would be a word like IDOL but with much much higher standards and more serious ones.. that would be her. She could be a bestfriend but in a different kind of way. Sheesh.. totally lost with these adjectives. I just can't give good enough reasons why I stay with her. Hay. All I know/knew is.. I think of her greatly.. immensely great. Effin adjectives, tsk.

So maybe this scares me because I might find out what she really is in my life but unfortunately, it'll be too late already. And I can't ever thank her enough or spend time with her when she's gone. When I let go, I might lose the only person who actually gives a damn about my life.

Chubby doesn't know this at all.. she knows yata that I don't want her to go. But I never wanted to tell her all of this because it won't be fair. Almost all the reasons I have for her to stay are for me only. Going away is her decision; it's what she thinks is best for her. And I can't mess with that.. I don't want to..

I have to decide whether to face it all, just make the most of our time, and be ready for whatever comes when she finally leaves; or be weak and run away.. end it all now so that it won't hurt when the time comes. This is what I ask myself everytime I get a text message from her or I want to text her. So what would it be?

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Time's running out..